Confused

Today is such a confusing day for me.

Yesterday, an HR from a hospital I'm applying in called me up to tell me that my medical examination is due today. I told her that I'm not pushing through with it...

So that's probably the end of what I'll be hearing from that side of the world.

Now back to my side. After I told her that I'm not going to push through, I suddenly felt weird of letting go of that opportunity. I actually let go of it because my heart was leaning towards pursuing another hospital. However, things are going slow for that decision. After declining the other hospital, I learned today that I still have more months to wait to be employed (beyond what I expected). After that, I somehow became anxious for myself and for my future. I have to wait? I have no problem with waiting... but WAITING FOR A LONG TIME is actually an issue for me.

Since there's not much left to do but wait, I've come to realize that someday, along the path of waiting for things to come, I'll be left with nothing to do. I'm pretty sure my current job would end soon. Hence, come June, I would be left without a job. Now, I'm contemplating on what I should do. Should I finish my Spanish courses? should I take ballet/jazz lessons? Should I enroll in FIP? Whatever it is, I just need to do something to take up that much time. I actually searched the internet and found missionary organizations based in Africa (I so wanna go). However, there is a $2000 payment... so I'll scrap that.

Anyway, I'm basically left with not much right now and it's painful. I just checked some of my friends' lives and they seem to be doing great. I know this isn't true but a certain voice in me tells me that I've been left behind (which is the last thing that I actually want). I hope I'll be able to find what I could do for the year. The future is really uncertain for me though I keep reminding myself to have faith and hold on to the thought that there's purpose in everything... even in my so-called future joblessness. I still have 10 months to go before entering my beloved work. 'Til then, I'll try to find my way... somehow.