The stream:
I ran to my brother's room. Banged the door shut. Locked it. And knelt on the floor to pray. Tears streaming down my face. . .
I did not understand what was happening to me. What was wrong. Why did I keep doing wrong things not in accordance with my standards. I kept questioning. I was so lost within me. I knew something was wrong. Well... some THINGS. As I prayed and talked to God, I reflected on what was wrong and what was happening to me. I suddenly learned that all the stresses within me were becoming bigger and bigger without my knowledge.
The Concerns:
> I was stressed with my client at NCMH. He broke down yesterday and I wasn't able to do anything when I went to him the next day. I felt helpless. Worthless. Like I was not able to help him.
> I am open to my mom about a lot of things about me. Somehow, she shared some of these secrets with another person. I feared so bad. I was so guilty for talking with my mom. I retaliated within me because the trust is now smeared with doubt. I didn't feel like trusting.
> Yesterday, my friends "reserved" a seat for me but another girl was placed out of her seat in the process. I didn't want this so I sat in another area. I felt abandoned by my friends.
> I wanted to talk with _ but there never seems a time for us to talk. We're always busy and it saddens me. The happy part is that, when I didn't have anyone - I had my God to comfort me as I was crying and bawling in my brother's room.
> I did not attend the batch meeting. Once again, guilty as charged.
> My brother flunked his course and is deciding to shift.
> My other brother does not communicate with my parents. He talks to me. He's okay but burdened by concerns of other people.
> I feel like I have a lot of acads to do but so little time. It's suffocating.
The Snap:
I cried because I snapped. I snapped when I entered gate 3 and a guard asked for my ID. He eyed it thoroughly and said "expiration date nito sa January 2008". I was like "oo nga po. ano ngayon?". He said "yun na nga. sa 2008 ang expiry nyan. Yun ang tandaan mo!". I was like "I knew that you a****le". I did not know what happened. Nagmura nalang ako basta. When I got home, I saw my dad and said "gusto ko na patayin yung guard sa gate 3". My dad confronted the guard. I do not know what happened to him. Dahil sa nangyari sa akin, umiyak na ko. Feeling ko kasi yun na yung last pressure na kaya ko pang makuha. I burst. Hence, the stream.
The reflection:
I think, because of all the stresses, I forgot how it was to spend time alone. With myself, in front of this pc. In my room, crying alone to my God. I needed that. I needed the alone time... away from stress. I needed time to rest. Pray. Be with my God. I felt like a failure recently. Some are my fault while the others, I just made a problem out of thin air. I let go of the concerns as I prayed awhile ago. I learned to breathe again. I feel better with the cry. Yes, tears are my catharsis medium. I am just so sorry with all the mistakes I made. I said sorry to my God. I hope that He forgives me. I pray He listens to me. There are times that doubt creeps into me but faith always assures me that He's just there. My God is just there.
With all the stresses, I decided to rise once again... and move... forward once again to a better day.
I ran to my brother's room. Banged the door shut. Locked it. And knelt on the floor to pray. Tears streaming down my face. . .
I did not understand what was happening to me. What was wrong. Why did I keep doing wrong things not in accordance with my standards. I kept questioning. I was so lost within me. I knew something was wrong. Well... some THINGS. As I prayed and talked to God, I reflected on what was wrong and what was happening to me. I suddenly learned that all the stresses within me were becoming bigger and bigger without my knowledge.
The Concerns:
> I was stressed with my client at NCMH. He broke down yesterday and I wasn't able to do anything when I went to him the next day. I felt helpless. Worthless. Like I was not able to help him.
> I am open to my mom about a lot of things about me. Somehow, she shared some of these secrets with another person. I feared so bad. I was so guilty for talking with my mom. I retaliated within me because the trust is now smeared with doubt. I didn't feel like trusting.
> Yesterday, my friends "reserved" a seat for me but another girl was placed out of her seat in the process. I didn't want this so I sat in another area. I felt abandoned by my friends.
> I wanted to talk with _ but there never seems a time for us to talk. We're always busy and it saddens me. The happy part is that, when I didn't have anyone - I had my God to comfort me as I was crying and bawling in my brother's room.
> I did not attend the batch meeting. Once again, guilty as charged.
> My brother flunked his course and is deciding to shift.
> My other brother does not communicate with my parents. He talks to me. He's okay but burdened by concerns of other people.
> I feel like I have a lot of acads to do but so little time. It's suffocating.
The Snap:
I cried because I snapped. I snapped when I entered gate 3 and a guard asked for my ID. He eyed it thoroughly and said "expiration date nito sa January 2008". I was like "oo nga po. ano ngayon?". He said "yun na nga. sa 2008 ang expiry nyan. Yun ang tandaan mo!". I was like "I knew that you a****le". I did not know what happened. Nagmura nalang ako basta. When I got home, I saw my dad and said "gusto ko na patayin yung guard sa gate 3". My dad confronted the guard. I do not know what happened to him. Dahil sa nangyari sa akin, umiyak na ko. Feeling ko kasi yun na yung last pressure na kaya ko pang makuha. I burst. Hence, the stream.
The reflection:
I think, because of all the stresses, I forgot how it was to spend time alone. With myself, in front of this pc. In my room, crying alone to my God. I needed that. I needed the alone time... away from stress. I needed time to rest. Pray. Be with my God. I felt like a failure recently. Some are my fault while the others, I just made a problem out of thin air. I let go of the concerns as I prayed awhile ago. I learned to breathe again. I feel better with the cry. Yes, tears are my catharsis medium. I am just so sorry with all the mistakes I made. I said sorry to my God. I hope that He forgives me. I pray He listens to me. There are times that doubt creeps into me but faith always assures me that He's just there. My God is just there.
With all the stresses, I decided to rise once again... and move... forward once again to a better day.
1 comment:
hahahahahah/ i love you jacq. sobra. thanx for letting me in your private space... :)
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